Self Esteem is a topic that may appears sensitive to a lot of people. For me, I am still a 17 years old teenage girl trying to find myself and coping with self-esteem. I am constantly insecure with myself, regardless of face, voice, being left alone, feeling that I am not good enough for anyone. A few years ago, a crush insulted me of my face and called me a nerd. It hurts me so much and this resulted me not being able to trust guys that easily. I don't believe there is guys who will treat girls in a good way..I always believe that guys will treat girls badly and break our hearts. I know I am not that really pretty but hearing from what others say about me hurts a lot. No one will understand that feeling..it is so bad that I cry constantly. Also, there is so many problems I faced in school which I wrote previously in my blog, causing me to feel really insecure in making new friends when I changed class. I am constantly being alone, due to the fact that I don't trust in people and feeling that I am not good enough for people to be friends with me, hence I always appear to be at the back of the class or quiet or shy. Its not because I am shy, but because of my past which causes me to act in this way that is not the real me. I put on a cold face to hide the fact that I am miserable and when I feel like crying in class, I hide my tears and cry silently. My tears don't cooperate with me and one drop by drop fell. I didn't even know that it actually drop. I was so sad in school. I feel like I have no friend in class and constantly alone. That feeling is terrible..I am not what people say I am: cheerful.
I put on a brave mask to hide everything ugly in me. I look at the people in poly and they always have a group of friends..and I feel envy about it. Is it weird for me to feel that way? For singing, I am in cmcc cca. Due to the fact that I don't have basic vocal training, I am the weaker one in the cca. Even so, I feel really sad and depressed that I couldn't sing to their expectations. I feel really sad that I cannot harmonize well with cca members. I feel that I am going to pull their performance down..rotten apple. This is what I really feel. I don't dare to sing in front of them with confidence, feeling that I will not live up to their expectations. I hate the fact that I disappoint others.
Even so, I am coping with self-esteem. I wonder will people feel the same way as me? I don't think I will get over my low self-esteem.
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