It hurts so much

Hi, everyone! Today I had my dry camp as group leader with a guy in my cca. I started to develop real deep feelings for him and I felt the spark. However, I think he sees me as a friend. I saw him and my friend together even though he has a girlfriend. He treats her differently from me and I can sense he has feelings for her despite the fact that he has a girlfriend. He kept walking beside her and talked to her. For example, he sat with her on the bus. I know I shouldn't have this feelings for him but I cant help it. He always look out for her which is different from the way he treats me. I felt jealous, which I shouldn't even feel that. I feel like I am like any other girls which I try hard to not be them and want to be someone different and unique. I try to stop these feelings but it becomes stronger. I sat on the bus and watched the raindrops slide down the windows. It is trying to say hope is gone. Maybe in my life, I don't deserve to have the guy I like. I just deserve to be a loner all my life. It hurts so much when I see them together and when I was walking or lagging behind, no one even noticed me. I was so sad that no one noticed my existence. I started to feel tears forming at the back of my eyes, threatening to fall out. I tried to control it which I am good at faking it. I tried to show everyone that I am brave and strong and independent, but the truth is I am not. I have dark secrets that hides behind my face. In every smile lies every tears. I tried to cope with it with music and music is my accompaniment. I don't no why it hurts a lot when he is with my friend.. I feel that they are compatible. I felt idiotic standing beside him. I am not good enough for anyone.

I can only see him from afar even though he is my partner for camp. He is funny and cute and has a good voice but not mine. I am trying to cope with my feelings..i can only silently cry when no one is looking.