It hurts so much

Hi, everyone! Today I had my dry camp as group leader with a guy in my cca. I started to develop real deep feelings for him and I felt the spark. However, I think he sees me as a friend. I saw him and my friend together even though he has a girlfriend. He treats her differently from me and I can sense he has feelings for her despite the fact that he has a girlfriend. He kept walking beside her and talked to her. For example, he sat with her on the bus. I know I shouldn't have this feelings for him but I cant help it. He always look out for her which is different from the way he treats me. I felt jealous, which I shouldn't even feel that. I feel like I am like any other girls which I try hard to not be them and want to be someone different and unique. I try to stop these feelings but it becomes stronger. I sat on the bus and watched the raindrops slide down the windows. It is trying to say hope is gone. Maybe in my life, I don't deserve to have the guy I like. I just deserve to be a loner all my life. It hurts so much when I see them together and when I was walking or lagging behind, no one even noticed me. I was so sad that no one noticed my existence. I started to feel tears forming at the back of my eyes, threatening to fall out. I tried to control it which I am good at faking it. I tried to show everyone that I am brave and strong and independent, but the truth is I am not. I have dark secrets that hides behind my face. In every smile lies every tears. I tried to cope with it with music and music is my accompaniment. I don't no why it hurts a lot when he is with my friend.. I feel that they are compatible. I felt idiotic standing beside him. I am not good enough for anyone.

I can only see him from afar even though he is my partner for camp. He is funny and cute and has a good voice but not mine. I am trying to cope with my feelings..i can only silently cry when no one is looking.

Boy Girl Relationship

Hi, everyone! Today is my last day of holiday, hence I decide to write one more post. A lot of teenagers are facing love relationship drama. I have no experience on that but I certainly hear a lot of stories from my friends. For a relationship to go on for years, both of you must be ready to commit. By means of commit, I mean let out your feelings and share with your partner. You must be ready to communicate and talk patiently with your partner. I heard from my friends that they kept things to themselves, hence the guy don't understand what the girl is feeling. Hence, talking it out definitely solves lots of unspoken words. Also, try to understand from each other perspectives. For example, put yourself in your partner's shoes.

These are my suggestions. I am not an expert but I hope you can take some advice. :)

Fashion in the month of April

Hi, everyone! Recently, I have been obsessed with crop top and short or jeans.



I always like to go for something simple partly due to the weather in my country. Its comfortable and you can go out for hours without feeling baggy.



If you think its plain, you can carry this bag in the picture above to complete the whole look.


Crop top and jeans

Even though it may looks simple and plain, but there is a quote saying: simplicity is beauty. Honestly, I usually opt for this look. (Not to deny)






Next, you can add on a pair of sneakers.





These are the sneakers you can wear with the above matching outfit. It looks like a hip hop dancer style.

You can add on to adidas cap together with the look.




Or nike cap also can




If the weather is hot, you can put on your sunglasses.




Depending you want to wear it

To conclude, fashion is everywhere. Depending on what styles you want to portray, you can match any outfit. Fashion is fun! There is no right or wrong in matching outfit so don't be afraid whether is it hideous. Its perfectly fine to look in any outfit. Have fun! Enjoying my last day of holiday. Sad life for me.

School reopening

Hi, everyone! School is opening for me on Monday, 18 April. To most people, they are excited for the day to come but to me, I am dreading it. School is a phobia to me and I am afraid to meet my course and classmates. All the work and projects are coming and I am not ready for it. Do anyone of you is dreading school opening for Polytechnic students? I don't no why do I have this feeling..i like to meet my classmates but I am scared to face them.

Self Esteem

Self Esteem is a topic that may appears sensitive to a lot of people. For me, I am still a 17 years old teenage girl trying to find myself and coping with self-esteem. I am constantly insecure with myself, regardless of face, voice, being left alone, feeling that I am not good enough for anyone. A few years ago, a crush insulted me of my face and called me a nerd. It hurts me so much and this resulted me not being able to trust guys that easily. I don't believe there is guys who will treat girls in a good way..I always believe that guys will treat girls badly and break our hearts. I know I am not that really pretty but hearing from what others say about me hurts a lot. No one will understand that feeling..it is so bad that I cry constantly. Also, there is so many problems I faced in school which I wrote previously in my blog, causing me to feel really insecure in making new friends when I changed class. I am constantly being alone, due to the fact that I don't trust in people and feeling that I am not good enough for people to be friends with me, hence I always appear to be at the back of the class or quiet or shy. Its not because I am shy, but because of my past which causes me to act in this way that is not the real me. I put on a cold face to hide the fact that I am miserable and when I feel like crying in class, I hide my tears and cry silently. My tears don't cooperate with me and one drop by drop fell. I didn't even know that it actually drop. I was so sad in school. I feel like I have no friend in class and constantly alone. That feeling is terrible..I am not what people say I am: cheerful.

 I put on a brave mask to hide everything ugly in me. I look at the people in poly and they always have a group of friends..and I feel envy about it. Is it weird for me to feel that way? For singing, I am in cmcc cca. Due to the fact that I don't have basic vocal training, I am the weaker one in the cca. Even so, I feel really sad and depressed that I couldn't sing to their expectations. I feel really sad that I cannot harmonize well with cca members. I feel that I am going to pull their performance down..rotten apple. This is what I really feel. I don't dare to sing in front of them with confidence, feeling that I will not live up to their expectations. I hate the fact that I disappoint others.

Even so, I am coping with self-esteem. I wonder will people feel the same way as me? I don't think I will get over my low self-esteem.